An Unhindered Heart

I would have recognized it anywhere.  The envelope was decorative, appropriate to the season and might have been from anyone, but the handwriting as familiar to me as my own. The red almost looked like a traffic signal flashing and had been taunting me from the breakfast bar between my kitchen and living space for three days. A heavy weight, almost a dread, confronted me each time I noticed it there. What message could it contain? One of hope and reconciliation or possibly worse, a generic holiday greeting?

I hadn’t heard from her since last Christmas; a loss keenly felt each day that had passed. We’d been friends since college though I felt like I’d known her all my life.

With a heavy sigh, I steeled myself and grabbed it hastily.  Certainly, knowing had to be better than the impending doom I felt. Pulling a letter opener from the jar on the counter, I sliced into it almost savagely. I would face what came and deal with it after.

Gripping the card firmly, I pulled it from inside. On the cover, a typically lovely holiday scene greeted me oblivious to the mix of trepidation and hope I felt. I opened it. The message was simple and to the point:

Merry Christmas, Kenny. Then signed at the bottom. As always, Sara.

That was it? Seriously? I stared at it in disbelief, unsure if I should be offended or relieved. After the difficulty with which we’d parted, I had expected more. Anything but cold indifference would have been better. I hurt all over again.

My grip loosened and I went to set it beside the other cards on the counter. As I grasped the fold, something slipped from the space between the inner lining of the card and its back; a sheet of the expensive stationary she always used. I stared a minute before picking it up and carefully unfolding it. There it was and I dreaded it. Could I handle what I was almost sure was coming?

After the last year, I know this will be unexpected, but I hope not unwelcome. I’m going to spend Christmas at the chalet. I’d really like it if you would come but completely understand if you can’t or don’t want to. I’ll be there through New Year’s.

Truly a development I hadn’t expected, I wasn’t sure what to make of it. Might it be a stern rebuke, a resolution and rehash of what had never been addressed? Or might it be the birth of something I’d secretly longed for since our days at school?

As much as I hated the very thought of returning to the scene of such painful memories, I knew I couldn’t refuse no matter which it might be. I could never refuse her anything.

We’d been friends since our freshman year of college. I’d been housed on the same floor with Killian and Doug, who were roommates. They couldn’t have been more diverse.  Killian, a ridiculously handsome, effortlessly charming, natural athlete with success written all over him. Doug, a quiet, almost reclusive intellectual with a proclivity for technology but who went along for the ride, seemingly just grateful to walk in his roommate’s aura. Then me, Kenneth, just a normal, maybe slightly above average looking guy with an acceptable aptitude for sports and learning but a passion for the written word.

Then there were the girls.  They lived in the all-female dorm. Sara was that kind of beautiful, stylish and wealthy girl so down to earth that everyone just liked her, and every guy wanted to date her. Melanie, her best friend, had followed her to college and was nearly always by her side. She was friendly and well liked but couldn’t help being overshadowed by Sara. She didn’t seem to mind. How they’d come to befriend Coral, a gregarious party girl who showed more interest in her social life than her academic one, no one seemed to know.

Killian had picked Sara out early on and quickly edged out the competition in winning her affection. They seemed a perfect match; both beautiful, popular and headed for a future most people only dream about. Their relationship remained constant throughout our college career with Killian maintaining a constant show of affection and Sara fiercely loyal. Everyone who knew them assumed they would marry, probably right out of college.

There hadn’t been a marriage or an announcement of their engagement as we all pursued our differing career paths. Killian, Sara, Melanie and I all lived around the City – New York, of course. Sara and Melanie had grown up there.  Killian, as a finance guy, naturally gravitated toward Wall St. and Madison Avenue. My passion for writing had me there working as a freelance journalist.

Coral and Doug had both migrated to the West Coast; Doug to Silicon Valley and the tech world; Coral to LA with its celebrity/influencer culture.

We’d gathered at Sara’s parents’ chalet in the mountains at least twice a year while at school.  It had remained a kind of tradition still; the few times we all were together, though we saw each other separately at other times too. It was a good time: skiing, socializing in town or just hanging out and catching up.

Until last year.

It had started much the same as nearly every other holiday we’d spent up there. Sara went up early to get everything together, Killian came either the night before the rest of us or early the same morning. Doug and Coral flew in, met Mel and me at the train station and  we all drove up with Doug in his rented SUV.

“Do you think he’ll finally ask her?” Coral cooed conspiratorially; hand next to her face like this was some secret.

I didn’t want to even think about it, much less to answer.

Before I could speak, Melanie, who was riding shotgun while Doug drove, piped up. “How do you know he hasn’t already?”

Every head turned toward her.

“Did she tell you something?” Coral squealed. “Spill, Melanie!”

“He had a perfect opportunity.” Doug observed. “Didn’t he? “

“Imagine.” Coral mooned. “Just the two of them by the fire… how romantic, right?”

Melanie looked at me directly. She had guessed a long time ago how I felt about Sara. Even though they were best friends, she’d never let on to her even a hint.

We’d kept in touch; more often than I did with anyone else. Even Killian.

She smiled and shook her head. “No, she hasn’t said anything.”

“Don’t know what he’s waiting for.” Doug observed. “They’re in a good place, both established in their careers and probably settled in their location. It seems like the perfect time.”

“You’re his best friend.” Coral nudged me. “Has he said anything?”

I shook my head, not trusting myself to speak.  Privy to information none of the rest of them shared, and disgusted by it, in conjunction with my feelings for Sara, I could hardly hope for news of their engagement. Friend or not, he didn’t deserve her and the idea that he’d won her unswerving devotion pained me.

As always, the chalet greeted us with frosty windows, lights, holly and festive holiday ribbons, a welcoming warmth. Sara’s parents spared no expense, and their daughter had an unrivaled talent for decorating and acting as hostess; probably all the society affairs she’d been part of practically since birth.

Doug parked the SUV ahead of the awning that overhung the entrance, shut down the engine and popped the hatch.

We piled out and walked around the back, letting the ladies claim their bags first.

Before we could finish unloading, the chalet door opened, and Sara’s voice called.  “Hey! Get inside quick, it’s cold out here.”

Melanie and Coral both rushed forward to hug her, leaving their bags beside the vehicle.

With a shrug, Doug and I each grabbed one, along with our own and headed for the door.

Inside, Sara, with typical exuberance, pointed to the stairs. “Your rooms are all ready. Get settled and meet us in the great room. Killian has hot buttered rum!”

That inspired us all to hustle up the stairs. We always stayed in the same rooms: Doug and I in one, Melanie and Coral in another. Killian and Sara each had their own. We all assumed that was for show but none of us knew for certain.

Killian’s hot buttered rum was legendary and a tradition for these holiday gatherings. Like a waiter in a five-star restaurant, he balanced a tray on one hand and swept into the room, charismatic smile radiant.

“Ooh,” Coral gushed. “I’m ready for one of those.  It’s cold out there!”

He grinned as he held the tray before her and the rest of us clustered in to claim one.

“If you lived where there was real holiday weather,” he teased. “You wouldn’t freeze every time we get together.”

“We have real weather.” Doug replied drily. “It’s just real warm and real perfect.”

Coral giggled. “Yup.”

“I didn’t know they had weather in Silicon Valley.” Killian observed with his usual sarcasm.  “I thought everyone lived in tech centers with artificial everything.”

“Funny.” Doug answered. “The money isn’t artificial.”

Killian nodded. “True, but it’s just as green on Madison Avenue and we don’t live in a bubble.”

“Hey, guys.” Sara intervened before things turned more serious and less jovial.

Killian nodded and turned toward me. “Still working on the great American novel, Kenny?”

I’d learned long ago not to let Killian’s sarcasm get under my skin or at least to let it show. He tended to press when you did, to quit if he didn’t get a pointed response. “I don’t know about the great American novel, but I am writing… and making a decent living as a free-lance journalist.”

Turning toward Sara, he observed. “What does that mean, a decent living? Any idea?”

“Oh stop.” She shushed graciously.

“You’re such a snob, Killian.” Melanie interjected. “Not everyone’s like you, you know. Some of us are happy doing what we love.”

He nodded. “I love making money.  That makes me happy.”

She just shook her head.

Didn’t we all know it, I thought.

We spent most of the next afternoon on the slopes and the evening at a trivia night hosted by the local pub. Everyone seemed to be having a good time.  We were in two teams. Of course, Killian, Coral and Doug won.  It hardly seemed fair, but enjoyable to those of us who weren’t practically out for blood.

However, by the close of the evening, I was exhausted. It wasn’t that I needed to outdo him in everything but in trivia it was nearly impossible, especially paired with Coral and Doug who typically knew a lot of useless facts. He couldn’t stand it if he suspected you weren’t giving it your all and would vocally express his irritation. Better to at least let him think you were trying and him win.

I begged off skiing the next day with the excuse that I needed to get some writing done. It wasn’t exactly true so when I ended up in the impressive library with my laptop, I quickly found myself perusing the bookshelves and next to the fireplace with an intriguing title in hand.

Well into the engaging story, I had left my phone upstairs, so I had no idea of the time passing. I didn’t hear the library door open.

“I suspected I might find you in here.” Sara’s soft soothing voice declared.

A chill raced up my spine as I laid the open book face down on the arm of the chair. “Is everyone back already? What time is it?”

She shook her head. “No. Doug had a Zoom call and I was a little tired so I came back with him.”

Curious, I wondered at it. I’d never known Sara to tire, even after an afternoon full of sport.

“I thought you were writing.” She grinned, her eyes glancing at the book.

“You caught me.” I joked. “Just an excuse for a little down time after yesterday.”

Brows raised, she moved forward aimlessly, hand gliding along the back of the divan that ran perpendicular to where I sat.

“Something on your mind?” I queried.

“Not really.” She took a breath. “They’ll be on the slopes for a while yet. Up for a game of backgammon?”

“Sure.” Something was up. I could feel it. We had a special bond stemming all the way back to our early days. She confided things to me, often about Killian, to get my perspective as his best friend. Was this where she told me she and Killian were engaged? Did she suspect my feelings for her? Might that be why she’d feel she needed to tell me before everyone else?

Sara remained quiet through the entire first game.

I could tell she was distracted and agreed, though I was surprised, when she suggested a second game. Disturbed by her silence and obvious struggle, I did my best to keep my thoughts from running rampant. In all the time we’d been friends, I’d never known her to struggle with telling me anything. It gave rise to all kinds of dreaded possibilities.

Audibly, she sighed as she rolled the dice and moved her piece.

Frustration overwhelmed me so I demanded. “Something’s on your mind, Sara. Clearly. What’s up?”

She hesitated a moment, then lifted her eyes to mine. Taking a breath, she nodded as she seemed to muster her courage. “I have a decision to make.”

A knot formed in my stomach and every part of me tensed. Had Killian already proposed? Was this where she told me? That didn’t seem likely, I reasoned, realistically. There would be no reason for her to struggle so obviously nor to tell me apart from everyone else.  I was just being ridiculous so I swallowed my trepidation. “Sounds serious. What’s going on?”

“My parents have asked me to take over leading the Foundation.”

Perplexed, for a moment I didn’t respond. That didn’t seem like something to struggle with. “Well, that’s fantastic, Sara. Seems like a great opportunity.”

She nodded. “It is. And I’m honored that my parents have that much faith in me. That they trust me with something so close to their heart and so much a part of their public persona.”

Frowning, I still couldn’t see anything to contemplate.  Seemed to me that she would have eagerly embraced the challenge and accepted. “So what’s the problem then?”

“Killian.”

That struck me. It made no sense. How could Killian, the corporate climber, possibly have a problem with such a promotion and one so visibly advantageous – even to his career?  Or so it would seem to me. Without making assumptions, I determined to stay neutral. ”How so?”

“He’s not exactly thrilled about it.”

Still confused, my head shook involuntarily. I didn’t want to appear critical of his character, even though I knew how much he wanted prestige and monetary success. “What? Why not?”

She sighed. “I’m not sure. He hasn’t said anything to you?”

“No, but I don’t think he would.” I didn’t tell her that he never really confided any of the details of their relationship to me. Over the years, I’d given her my perspective, but always from an objective position.  I wanted them both to trust me, so I never overtly got in the middle.

Appearing surprised and somewhat skeptical, she lifted her head to look directly at me. “Why not?”

“Two reasons, Sara. For one thing, he and I don’t hang out much lately.”

That seemed to be news to her. “Really?”

I wasn’t about to be negative with her about her boyfriend; especially now. If an engagement was forthcoming, the last thing I wanted to do was lose her friendship or to completely alienate him  With a shrug, I focused on taking my turn in the game. “We just move in different circles these days.”

Now she nodded, knowingly. “Yeah.”

My head snapped up and I watched as she took her turn. Was there something else going on here? Is that why they weren’t engaged yet?

Sitting back definitively, she steeled herself. “You know I love Killian.” A breath. “But I think he’s afraid of being eclipsed by my success.”

I never expected something like that from her. Even knowing how smart and savvy she could be, I had always thought her to be a bit blind where Killian was concerned. Sometimes I wondered how she would put up with him if she wasn’t. Feigning ignorance, I lamely offered. “Really?”

With an amused exhale, she glibly replied. “Don’t be coy, Kenny.”

“Okay.” I acquiesced. “It’s just that I would have thought it would be a benefit to his career too. Particularly if the two of you got married, or were at least engaged.”

Her eyes took on a distant glaze. “I don’t know. But lately, he’s been distracted and distant.”

“Maybe he’s just focused on his own success; if he really does feel threatened by yours.”

Sara shrugged. “Maybe.”

“You’re not thinking of turning it down, are you?”

She shook her head. “No. It’s the part of my parents’ organization closest to my heart too. I love the opportunity to endow the arts, support scientific research and help the less fortunate. Honestly, it’s my dream job.”

“Well,” I replied. “You have to take it.”

She leaned forward again and picked up the dice. “Speaking of dreams, what happened to yours?”

“Mine?” I hedged. “I write for a living. That is my dream.”

Her eyes met mine with that you can’t fool me, I’ve known you too long look. “You were talking about a novel even back in school. Have you worked on that at all?”

I shrugged. “Some.  I can’t seem to get any traction on it.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know.” I replied honestly. “I just… I don’t know…”

“You are by far the most talented one of all of us and yet every one of us is on the brink of everything we’ve ever wanted. What’s holding you back?”

Making a show of taking my turn, I wasn’t sure how to answer. I’d never been able to come up with a reason even to myself. “I really don’t know, Sara. I’ve asked myself the same question, but can’t seem to find an answer,”

She nodded. “Don’t wait too long to find it, Kenny.”

Curious response, I thought.  “I could say the same to you. Don’t hesitate to step you’re your dream.”

She gave half a chuckle but didn’t reply.

“Killian will come around.” I assured, with more conviction than I felt. “He loves you.”

Her smile came more superficially than I’d ever seen her. “But will that be enough?”

For that I had no reply. I’d always suspected that Sara’s popularity and social connections were as much a part of his attraction to her as any actual feeling.

Leaning forward over the board and setting her focus on it, she added. “Guess we’ll see.”

The library door opened and Mel poked her head in. “Hey, we’re back.  Killian’s making some kind of Irish coffee with a blend Coral recognized in the gift shop at the lodge.”

Sara’s countenance immediately returned to one I recognized, and she smiled. “Be right there.”

I couldn’t help wondering at it and eyed her curiously.

Whether deliberately or not, she avoided looking at me.

I had taken my laptop upstairs. Not even halfway back down I heard Coral giggling loudly. Oh no, I thought.  Had they stopped on the way back? Was she already getting drunk? None of us liked to be around her if she’d been drinking heavily and we hadn’t.

“You guys left too soon.” She gushed as I entered. First glancing at Sara and then toward Killian, she continued. “We raced the black diamond run.”

Surprised, as none of us had braved that course, I turned toward Melanie as she handed me a steaming mug. Brows lifted, I ventured. “You too, Mel? How’d they talk you into that.”

Exhaling a sigh, she shook her head. “Just once. Those two fools raced it – how many times?” Her gaze shifted to Coral who giggled.

“She was determined to beat me.” Killian chuckled.

“I almost did too on the last run.” Coral giggled again.

“I was tempted to let her, but you know…” He grinned now. “I knew I’d never hear the end of it.”

Sara appeared uncomfortable.

I wondered at it but didn’t know what to say, so I stayed quiet as did everyone else.

It began to be awkward. Taking a deep breath, Doug stood up. Lifting his mug. “Well, I had some good news on my call this afternoon.”

“Do tell.” Sara appeared relieved at the distraction. “I sold the app my partner developed.” His exuberance confident, in typical Doug fashion, it held no smugness. “We now have enough money to launch the startup we’ve been planning.”

“That’s great, Doug.” I offered, genuinely pleased at his success, knowing how diligently he’d worked at it. “Always knew you’d get there.”

“Thanks, man.” He replied honestly. “So let’s drink to success.”

Before everyone could join him, Sara spoke up. “And while we’re drinking to success, I’ve got some of my own to share.”

Everyone turned to her. I could sense they were expecting her to announce her engagement to Killian.

“My parents have offered me the executive position to oversee their Foundation and I’ve accepted.”

I wondered if she had made a phone call while I was upstairs. Unable to keep from it, my eyes darted to where Killian sat.

He appeared something between forced support and uneasy irritation but only no one seemed to notice but me. Forcing a grin, he lifted his mug. “That’s my girl. Top of the ladder.”

If the others caught the sarcasm, they didn’t let on.

“That’s fantastic, Sara.” Melanie’s admiration was real.

Coral, who still appeared slightly inebriated, gushed. “You two are turning into quite the power couple.”

The compliment fell flat, and the silence once again became awkward.

“Well, I may not be rich – yet” Doug joked. “But I’d still like to celebrate by taking you all out to the pub for dinner. What do you say?”

Mel, Sara and I were all quick to agree, grateful at the break in what had begun to be a tense evening.

Though I didn’t want to face the possibility, I began to wonder if the bond that had held us together for so long could survive the divergent paths our lives had taken. We’d always been diverse in our interests and goals, but the commonality of college life had allowed us to ignore it. Now that we were adults and pursuing those goals, could our friendship survive?

Dinner remained subdued. Mel and I engaged Doug in sharing details about his new projects and Sara about what her promotion would mean. Coral and Killian stayed mostly silent and drinking.

When we arrived back at the chalet, Sara claimed a headache and retired early. I had a bout of inspiration and decided to get some work done, so I went upstairs.  The others opted for cards or something and stayed in the great room.

An afternoon of tension and alcohol had conspired to lull me to sleep over my laptop. I woke with a start to find Doug was already asleep and clearly had been for a while. For a moment, I considered the possibility of some additional work but decided it would be more beneficial to get a good night’s sleep and get back to it in the morning.

Plodding down the hall to the bathroom to clean up before I turned in, I heard distinct sounds coming from Killian’s room. I stopped. Was it possible he and Sara had worked out their hurdles and were making up? I couldn’t decide whether I hoped that was the case or not.

Suddenly, a sinking feeling hit my stomach as I realized: those higher pitched sounds, though muffled, weren’t Sara’s. Disbelief mixed with anger flooded me. Were they kidding?  Right in Sara’s house and under her nose? Her boyfriend and supposed close friend? For a moment, I didn’t know what to do. Blinded by anger, I almost burst in to confront them but realized that would only wake Sara and inform her of what was happening. Despite my sick rage, I hurried to clean up and went to bed.

Tossing fitfully, I finally slept once I heard Coral surreptitiously return to her room.

In the morning, I woke up groggy and worn. Seeing Doug absent, I knew probably everyone was already downstairs. Trodding wearily, I went directly for the coffee pot, only vaguely aware of the others in my peripheral vision, seated at the table.

When I sat down, I could hardly lift my eyes to look at anyone, though I couldn’t escape the furtive, expectant glances Coral was throwing at Killian who ignored her as if she wasn’t there.

“Well, dig in everybody.” Mel ordered. “I didn’t go to all this trouble to have the food get cold.”

She’d laid out warm pastries, hot bread with cheese and fruit and some kind of creamy spread. Everyone quickly helped themselves, except Sara and me.

I pondered the cause for her but didn’t have to long.

“So,” Coral gushed exuberantly. “Are we all going to race the black diamond run today?”

Doug and Mel murmured evasively.

“Come on, guys.” She continued and then with a giggle. “Don’t be wimps. Killian and I can show you how it’s done.”

Her countenance stern, Sara set her coffee mug down. “Right. How about what you’ve already done?”

“You should have stuck around yesterday.” she replied warily.

“Oh, no.” Sara’s tone turned bitter. “I mean last night… in his room.”

Killian sobered but seemed oddly unaffected.

Coral blanched, for once, speechless and serious.

Both Mel and Doug looked as though someone had slapped them.

“I can’t believe you, Coral.” Sara demanded. “How could you? In my house, with my boyfriend?”

She stuttered incoherently.

“Oh, my god, Coral.” Mel chided. “Is that why you didn’t come upstairs when I went? God, really? You and Killian?”

“Don’t be so self-righteous.” Doug observed drily, setting his pastry down “How many times did you hook up with him at school?”

Stunned, Sara’s eyes grew large as she stared. Her eyes sought mine. “And you? What about you?”

Trying to lighten things up, I ventured. “I never slept with Killian.” It fell flat.

“Did you know?” she demanded. “That he was cheating?”

“I didn’t think it was my place to tell you.”

“Whose place was it?” She flared.

“Maybe he was just hoping you’d find out on your own.” Mel deflected. “He’s so in love with you, he was probably waiting for a chance.”

Killian’s eyes burned a hold in my head. “Dude, seriously?

Tears forming, Sara looked around the table at all of us before getting to her feet. “I can’t believe you. Any of you.”

No one could respond.

“This gathering was supposed to be for friends. Since it would appear that I don’t have any here, I’d appreciate it if you would all be gone before I get back.” She moved quickly around the table.

We heard the door slam. Slowly, we all moved but no one said anything. How could we? As uncharacteristic as such behavior was for Sara, none of us could deny our culpability.  Separately, we all arranged to get home.

Things hadn’t been the same since.  Mel had apologized to me and I told her I didn’t hold it against her. Doug also smoothed things over with her.

We had no idea if Sara and Killian were still together or not. No one had heard from either of them.

Coral had also stayed silent, although it seemed clear she wasn’t with Killian which didn’t surprise me. Knowing his philandering ways since school, I knew he fooled around but always maintained that he loved Sara. I didn’t understand it then and couldn’t now.

Mel had called and we’d agreed to meet Doug and ride up to the chalet together, as though the was no different than any other time we’d gotten together there.

The silence on the drive was awkward as no one mentioned Coral’s absence.

“Look,” Doug said matter-of-factly.  “The truth is, one of us should have told her.”

“I didn’t know how.” Mel admitted. “I mean everyone had a thing for Killian. When I realized things were serious between him and Sara, I never went near him again.”

“Well, Mel, I didn’t think it was my place. For the very reason you said. It made any motive I had for telling her suspect. At least, I thought so.”

“I never felt close enough to Sara to say anything.” Doug offered. “We were kind of friends by association more than friends on our own.”

“Well, I’m sorry I outed you, Kenny. I was so ashamed of myself; I just blurted it out to deflect attention.”

“Has anyone talked to Killian?” Doug asked. “Is he coming? Was he even invited?”

In the back seat, I shook my head, then realized they couldn’t see me. “No. But he and I were kind of losing contact anyway, even before last year.”

“Really?” Mel asked, turning to look at me. “Why?”

“Just moving in different circles. Not much common ground anymore.”

“Yeah, I can see that.” Doug nodded. “I haven’t really talked to him either. Although, his firm helped handle the financing for my company.”

“Really?” Mel’s surprise was obvious. Then she grinned. “And we’re doing the accounting. Don’t suppose either is a coincidence.”

“Hey,” Now Doug grinned, his countenance lighter. “I wouldn’t trust him with my girlfriend, but I do with my money.”

We all chuckled together, grateful for the ease it brought.

When we got to the chalet, we could see things were already different. It hadn’t been nearly decked out as it had been in the past and there was no Sara bursting forth to greet us.

Tentatively, we looked at each other, unsure what to do when the door to the chalet opened but it wasn’t Sara who appeared. Coral, face puffy and eyes red as though she’d been crying, waved us in. “Come on. Come on. It’s cold out there.”

Once again, we exchanged looks but obeyed.

“Sara’s in the main room.” She declared quietly.

This is weird, I thought as I followed the others into the room where we had traditionally met for drinks on our arrival. Immediately, I felt aghast when I saw her.

Gaunt and pale, Sara lay in a half-reclined position beneath a blanket on a divan near the fireplace. Smiling wanly, she greeted. “Thank you all for coming.”

Unable to speak, I gaped, disbelieving. Where was the beautiful, vibrant woman I had loved since college? What had happened to her?

“What’s up, Sara?” Doug expressed what was clearly on everyone’s mind.

“Are you alright?” Mel echoed.

Stunned silence from everyone.

“There’s hot chocolate or coffee on the tray.” She indicated a serving cart just past the fireplace to our right. “Please, help yourselves.”

Mel and Doug availed themselves while I took a seat. The idea of consuming anything at the moment unthinkable.

“Sara, tell us what’s going on.” I pleaded when I finally found my voice.

She nodded, waiting until the others were seated before taking a deep breath.

I noticed that Coral seemed to have evaporated.

“About nine months ago,” Sara began. “I was diagnosed with cancer.”

It seemed as though all the air suddenly sucked out of the room. I couldn’t breathe.

“Without divine intervention, there isn’t an actual cure.” She steeled herself, her posture lifting slightly. “But the treatments are going very well. I’ve been able to go back to work and things are somewhat back to normal.”

In the months following, Mel and I kept in touch as we always had. It seemed Doug and Killian stayed in contact because of the money connection — at least as long as Mel’s firm handled Doug’s money. He eventually moved on. No one heard any more from Coral who stayed busy pursuing her lifestyle brand and career as an influencer.

“The reason I invited you all here is that I don’t know what the future holds.” Another deep breath. “But I wanted you all to know I’ve made my peace with God. I thought it important, at least for me, to make my peace with you all too.”

“Thanks, Sara.” Doug replied. “I’ve felt bad that we all kept quiet about Killian’s… indiscretions. Honestly, I never felt like I was in a position to tell you. Lame, I know but…”

She smiled. “I appreciate that, Doug. I understand. Really.”

Tears in her eyes, Mel set her cup aside, crossed over to her and crouched in front of the divan. Taking Sara’s hand, her voice choked. “There’s no excuse for what I did, I know. I can only say that I justified it to myself at the time by thinking things weren’t really serious between you and Killian. It stopped when I realized I was wrong. I’m so sorry, Sara.”

“I’ve come to believe that things were never that serious for Killian.” She replied. “How can anyone who says they love you sleep around — and with someone’s friends?”

Unsure quite what to say, as I’d never acknowledged my feelings for Sara to anyone, even Mel, I struggled. A thought came and I went with it. “I guess I always hoped Killian would grow up and grow out of it. He always claimed he loved you. It seemed like he’d realize how stupid it was.”

Sara nodded. “I don’t think anyone who cheats, even if they believe they love the one they’re cheating on, ever quits. They somehow find a justification for it and just keep on.”

I’d never thought of it that way but realized she was right.

“But I didn’t invite you all here for explanations and contrition.” She announced decidedly. “I just wanted you all to know that I’d forgiven you — as arrogant as that may sound. But should anything happen, I wanted the air to be clear.”

You’ve always been such a good friend to me. Now I’d like to share with you what I’ve learned though all the madness.

Later, I learned that Killian hadn’t responded to Sara’s invitation or to her letter attempting to clear the air. Coral had disappeared and Doug also melted away from the last gathering. Mel and I stuck around for a couple of days, catching up and restoring our relationship.

The last missive I had from Sara came in another of her familiar envelopes, though not for a holiday — at least I didn’t recognize it until after. It read:

Dearest Kenny,

I love you, my friend. Be well.

It’s not enough to do good. It’s not even enough to BE good. Those things are never enough. There remains an unseen realm, a hand whose gentle touch makes all things new, all wrongs right and eternity sure. He is my Savior and my Lord. I pray you will seek Him, find Him and know Him as I have come to over these months of trial and distress.

Sara

We buried Sara a month later.

I pondered often her last words to me, as I journaled the path I took letting her go.  I came to some startling revelations: I had been envious and angry with Killian because of his mistreatment of Sara and failure to appreciate her. Harboring the resentment I’d felt for him had held me back from pursuing the success I thought of as his god. I forgave him.

Sara had been more of an ideal I had put on a pedestal as the virtuous victim I perceived her to be. My love for her was less a romantic attraction than a need to see her as the unachievable standard of all that was good and right. I pulled her off the pedestal and placed her firmly in the fond memory of a very good friend now gone.

From the journaling introspection came the birth of the thing I truly wanted, freedom to be and achieve what I had only dreamt of and kept just out of reach — the novel I had longed to write coming from and titled An Unhindered Heart.