Light snow had begun to fall. Gloved hands clutching the wheel, Shea lay her head on the steering wheel and sighed, loudly. She lifted it quickly and let her gaze sweep the area. In the parking lot of the trendy restaurant, it wouldn’t be good for anyone to see her. People could have such a difficult time during the holidays, but she wasn’t one of them.
Another sigh. Another first date. There wouldn’t be another one. Sure, the guy had been nice enough, but the conversation came stilted and difficult. Both knew there just wasn’t anything there and had called it a night early.
What was wrong with her? She wondered. Why couldn’t she find someone? Both her younger and older sisters were happily married with thriving and growing families. Why not her? What was she doing wrong?
As the cold began to permeate the car, she started it, turned on the heat and hummed along to the carols playing on her radio. Thankfully, it was a short drive home. When she arrived, she checked her phone. A text from her best friend, Cindy.
Well, how was it?
Early night. For both of us.
Oh. Sorry. Daniel thought sure you and John would hit it off.
Well, tell your boyfriend — and you too — stop with the set ups.
Okay.
Her family met regularly for dinner on Friday nights at her parents’ house. Still stinging slightly from the disappointment of her date the night before, and some time to spare, she decided to do some shopping at the mall on her way.
This time of year always energized her; the hubbub, the unique vendors in the center aisle and the bustle of shoppers looking for the perfect gift. She decided to get some cocoa to sip as she meandered among the popups to see what might catch her fancy, if anything.
“Hey, Shea!”
In line at the vendor, just on the edge of the food court, she turned toward the familiar voice and smiled.
Daniel greeted her with a wave and a smile as he approached.
Oh, no. She thought. I hope he doesn’t want to talk about last night; especially if John had said something to him. “Hey, what’s up?”
“Doing some Christmas shopping.” He answered. “You?”
Shea shrugged. “Just killing some time before heading to my parents’ for dinner.”
“Do you have time to help me with something?” He ventured tentatively.
Ah, she reasoned. Probably the perfect gift for Cindy. “Something for Cindy?”
Leaning in conspiratorially, he spoke in a low tone. “I’m going to propose. Christmas Eve. Can you help me pick out a ring?”
Catching her breath, she mused for just a minute as a knot formed in her stomach. It wasn’t jealousy or envy; she was truly happy for her friend. Just the idea that she was feeling being single and alone this season and now, the last of her unmarried friends was about to get engaged. There was no doubt she’d say yes. They were a perfect couple.
“You know her so well.” Daniel offered. “I just want it to be perfect.”
She swallowed her pride; it went down hard. “Do you have something picked out?”
Nodding enthusiastically, he answered. “A couple. At the jewelry store just up the way. Will you take a look with me?”
“Of course.” She smiled weakly.
Walking quickly, his excitement seemed almost tangible.
Shea followed meekly.
“I like these two.” He said pointing, as they approached one of the cases.
“Oh, Daniel.” The admiration unfeigned, she caught her breath. “Both of them are beautiful!”
“Which one do you think Cin would like?”
“Oh, that’s easy.” She replied confidently. “The princess cut. She’s always liked that style.”
“Really? You think that’s the one?”
“Definitely.”
“Great.” He motioned for the salesclerk.
Pulling out her phone, she felt eager to be on her way. “Hey, I’ve got to go, Daniel. I don’t want to be late.”
“Okay.” He said.
She started for the door.
“Hey, Shea?”
Turning back her only response.
“Thanks.” And then. “Don’t mention it to Cindy, okay? I want it to be a surprise.”
“Sure.” The heaviness she felt troubled her. She really was glad for them but as for herself…
Dinner prep had reached full swing by the time she arrived. Her mom, Sheena and Shannon were in the kitchen. Shannon’s two youngest, Sean and Devin were setting the table while the men talked in the living room where Sheena’s two little ones played.
Shea looked around. One person she looked forward most of all to seeing was nowhere to be found. Poking her head into the kitchen, she offered. “Need help in here?”
“No, honey.” Her mom assured. “We’re just getting things ready for the table.
She nodded. “Where’s Honor?”
Shannon’s oldest, and the first grandchild, she and Shea had a special bond.
Taking a breath as if to speak, she changed course. “I’ll let her tell you. She’s in Dad’s office. Tell her to come out and eat, okay?”
“Will do.” Shea replied, backing out again and turning toward the hallway that led to her father’s office.
Honor, earbuds in, sat at the desk back to the door and hunched over some papers.
“Hey, kiddo.” Shea greeted and chuckled when she received no response. Closing the distance, she put a hand on her niece’s shoulder.
Jumping slightly, she looked up and grinned. Removing an earbud, she replied. “Hey, Aunt Shea.”
“What’s going on? Your mom said something…”
Face lighting up, she answered. “I got a solo at the Christmas concert this year!”
“Oh, Honor, that’s awesome!” She could see that the papers were music; smudged as if there had been erasures. “Is that what you’re working on?”
Nodding exuberantly, she announced. “If I can get it done in time. Ms. Grimby said I can perform my own composition!”
“Wow!” She knew her niece to be a talented musician but not at this level. “How’s it going?”
“It’s coming along. But… I want it to be perfect.”
“You’ll get it.” Shea assured.
“I know.” She smiled confidently.
“So what else is going on? Got a date for the Christmas dance?” The school had an informal party. Even at their age, some of the kids went in pairs.
“You’re funny, Aunt Shea.” Honor teased, shaking her head for emphasis.
“Really? Why?” It wasn’t bias that made her think her niece was smart, pretty and of course so talented.
The younger girl shrugged. “I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about it. I think there’s a couple of boys who might ask but…”
“But?”
“I really want to get my solo just right.”
“There isn’t time for both?”
Another shrug. “Maybe. If my song is done and somebody asks… I don’t know.”
Shea pondered. No one else seemed to struggle. Why was she having such a hard time? Shaking it off, she said. “Well, time to take a break. Dinner’s about on the table.”
When dinner finished and her sisters had corralled their families and gone home, she stayed, as she always did, to help her mom clean up. She didn’t mind, unless the conversation turned too personal.
“So, honey. What’s new? Anything?” Her mom asked as she put some plates in the cupboard.
Shea shrugged. “No, not really. It’s really exciting about Honor’s solo, though.”
Her mother nodded. “That girl’s going places for sure. You’ll be there?”
“You know I wouldn’t miss it.” She wouldn’t mention the whole date subject; knowing Honor wouldn’t share it with her grandmother and not wanting to open that door on her own life.
“So, are you going to the singles’ mixer at church?”
Here it comes, she thought, trying not to groan aloud. “Of course.”
“Anyone special you’d like to see?”
“No, mom. You know…”
“I do, honey.” She assured, patting her daughter’s hand. “I just want to see all my girls married and settled.”
Shea nodded. Her mother meant well but sometimes her constant asking wore thin. “Well, listen, Mom. I need to get going.”
“A date?”
“No. Just tired”
“Oh, okay honey. Be sure to say goodnight to your dad.”
With a resigned smile, she nodded as she went for her coat. Shrugging into it, she made her way into the living room where her father sat, watching something on television. “Taking off now. ‘Night, Daddy.”
“Shea,” He motioned for her to come near.
Bending down, she kissed his cheek.
“Hey,” he said quietly. “Don’t let your mom pressure you.”
She smiled. He’d always been her biggest supporter. “Thanks, Dad.”
“If and when the time is right, things will work out for you. Wait and see.”
Unsure whether to be resigned or encouraged, she chose the latter. With a wan nod, she made for the door and home.
“Sorry I can’t be more help.” Shea offered.
“No worries.” Cindy replied.
They had been doing some Christmas shopping; her friend searching for a gift for Daniel. Now in a restaurant across the parking lot from the mall, they were having a late lunch.
“You know, with no brothers and my dad from a different generation, I don’t have any reference. I don’t know Daniel well enough to even offer a suggestion.”
Her friend nodded. “He’s easy. But I don’t know, this year, I just want it to be perfect.”
Knowing what she did, Shea understood completely but couldn’t let on. Shifting gears, she asked. “So, are you guys going to the mixer?”
Eyes on her menu, Cindy replied. “No.”
“Really?” Shea’s head popped up. “Why not?”
With a shrug, she said. “We’re pretty settled in our relationship. I hardly even feel like a single anymore.”
That would be truer than ever after Christmas, she thought and nodded. “Well, I’m nowhere even close to that, so I guess I’ll make the effort – though it won’t be the same without you and Daniel there. Seems like all my friends have gotten married.”
Looking up now, Cindy smiled. “You know, there are some guys Daniel knows who’ve recently joined the church. I’m sure they’ll be there.”
Nonchalantly, Shea shrugged. “Probably.”
“Hey, Shea. Your day is coming. I can feel it.”
More polite than convinced, she just smiled.
If Honor hadn’t played her solo perfectly, no one could tell. She played and sang spectacularly and received a standing ovation. Poised and assured, she had received the accolades with humble gratitude and without undue deference.
Shea had brought a bouquet for her and offered to bring her out to where her family waited. As she approached the choir room, she found her in the hallway, where the practice rooms were.
Honor stood talking to a young man, who leaned in. Her demeanor showed no fluster or shyness. She simply conversed easily.
Hesitating to interrupt, she waited, trying to appear nonchalant.
Rather than showing embarrassment or irritation, Honor seemed relieved when she spotted her aunt. With a big grin, she greeted. “Aunt Shea!”
Nodding, she noticed the boy seemed disappointed. Holding out the bouquet, she said, “You were great, Honor. Really. Spectacular.”
“Thanks, Aunt Shea.” She turned to the boy. “I’ve got to go, Seth.”
He nodded.
Taking the bouquet, and her aunt’s arm, she moved out of the hall, the boy seemingly forgotten.
“I didn’t mean to interrupt.” She offered.
Rolling her eyes, her niece replied. “I’m glad you did.”
Her response a curious look, she waited.
“He likes me.” She explained.
“You don’t like him?”
“Not like that.” She shrugged. “He’s all right.”
“But?”
“Oh, Aunt Shea, I don’t have time for all that right now.”
The older woman wanted to laugh. Her niece wasn’t even in high school yet. What did she have besides time?
“My music.” Honor replied to the unasked query. “It’s a calling. A gift. And I want to use it to shine as brightly as I can.”
A nod.
“When I get established in where I’m going, there will be time for all that and whatever.”
“It’s not like you have to get married next week.” She felt the twinge. Wasn’t that what she was looking for?
“You know, they’ve taught us at church about serial dating.”
“Serial dating?”
“Yes. Going with someone, then breaking up. Going with someone else and breaking up again. It’s just training you for divorce.”
Shea stopped and turned to her. “How is that?”
“Well, you think you really like somebody, so you “date” for a while. Maybe you think it’s serious, maybe not. Then something happens and you break up. What’s to stop you doing that later?”
“Commitment?”
“Maybe. But you already have a history of breaking up when you have a disagreement or your goals don’t line up or something.” She shrugged. “If I’m pursuing my gift and going on with God, I trust Him to bring the right one along.” She took a breath. “The first and only time.”
They had reached the front hall where Honor’s parents and grandparents waited.
The conversation was lost in their exuberant congratulations and praise.
Arriving after the party started, something she did purposely, by the time Shea walked into the activity room of the church’s fellowship hall, things were well under way. She looked around for someone she knew to approach. While she knew almost everyone in the room by name, except possibly the few people she thought Cindy must have been talking about, none were people she had close ties with; more acquaintances she had seen at other activities or served with during outreaches.
The hall festively decorated, the church had gone all out at the buffet table as they always did. She appreciated that about her pastor: he did everything top notch.
Deciding the best course of action might be to get a glass of punch while surveying the room, she started in that direction. Several people smiled, murmured greetings or head nods.
“You look pretty, Shea.” A voice from behind her said.
She turned to see the toothy grin of Rich Reynolds peering down at her. “Thanks, Rich.”
He took a spot next to her, back to the table. “No, Cindy and Daniel tonight?”
Taking a sip of her punch, she shook her head. “They’re not really single anymore.”
“They’re a great couple.”
A nod. She felt bad. Several months ago, she accepted an offer of lunch after church from him but knew five minutes into the meal, they had zero in common except for their church affiliation. Unfortunately, he’d been trying to date her ever since.
“We should see a movie or something.” He offered. “There’s that new Christian Christmas movie opening next weekend.”
Suddenly, her conversation with Honor came to mind and she nearly laughed out loud. Poor Rich; just like the boy who’d been trying to ask Honor out, not realizing she just wasn’t interested.
“Something funny?” He asked.
Shea appreciated his easy demeanor. She liked him; she just wasn’t interested in anything more. “Oh, just a conversation I had with my niece.”
His expression curious, he waited for an explanation.
As she looked around the room, more of the conversation replayed in her head.
Several young women in the room had been involved in relationships with some of the young men in the room, a couple seemingly getting serious, but you wouldn’t have known it now. The ladies were flitting and flirting but not with the guys they’d been dating previously; the guys talking to different girls. A few clustered around the new additions.
All at once, what Honor had said made perfect sense to her. She realized that, just like poor Rich here beside her, and many of the young ladies in the room, she had been trying so hard to fit the mold; to find “her guy”, and meld into his life, so she could settle down that she’d lost sight of herself – her hopes, dreams and purpose. She realized that before she could fit into someone else’s life, she had to be settled in her own.
How had her niece – who hadn’t even reached high school age yet — been so wise and aware of it before she herself? She put her cup down on the table. Not any more.
“Something wrong?” Rich asked frowning.
“No.” She replied. “But I’m leaving.”
“Why? What…?”
Purposing for the door, she didn’t answer. She stepped out into the night. Her heart full, a melody she’d long ago forgotten played there. It was her song and she would sing it until it felt complete — her future wide open before her. Her Christmas solo. And it would be glorious.
Lisa Greco Filali 